Put a saddle on and time me!

I DO NOT remember giving this guy a key when we moved in ...

As I stumbled into the bathroom this morning to get ready for work, I flipped the light on and came face to grossness with this dude. He was HUGE! Now as I have stated before, we live in Nowhereville. I expect nature to abound. But NOT IN THE HOUSE! Where did he come from? How did he get in?

I immediately froze in what could be described as my Mexican stand-off pose or maybe even what some would call my High Noon stance. It was me and him and I was NOT going down like this. I quickly scanned my surroundings while keeping one eye on him (okay, so I looked slightly cross-eyed and scary but it was 6:15 in the morning for goodness sake! I was not ready for this. I didn't know I was going to have to do battle.) My only weapon at hand?

I got this picture here

Why was this at hand, you ask? Most people normally store this type of product away when not in use. I do, too. However, I asked Marv LAST WEEKEND to scrub the shower. It was in its home when he began the task. It did not make it back home after he finished. It has been sitting on the edge of the garden tub since Sunday. Could I have put it away? Yes. But, I WAS MAKING A POINT. However, this point is now moot. I cannot bring this to his attention and point out how I have been waiting for him to put it away because Marv, being Marv, will then point out had he not left it out, I would not have had a defense mechanism for my Wolf Spider Battle Royale.

So, I am now armed (and I would like to bring to your attention that this product is SUPPOSED to be enviro-friendly. I don't think this is what the manufacturers had in mind.) I'm staring Spidey McSpiderton down. He's staring right back and not giving an inch. I flex my fingers. My heartbeat is racing. One, two, three steps and BAM! Right in the face! Go GREEN! Uh oh. He's on the move. He makes a feint to my right and I blast him again. He darts back to the left and is looking for any way out. He's in the corner. POW! KAZAAM! He's moving slower and slower. Maybe this stuff is going to work. I dart out to our room and grab my phone so I can capture my kill on camera. But, since the stupid thing HAS NO FLASH, you can only see a brown blob. Curses!

I decide it's time for the royal flush. NO WAY am I putting him in the trash where he can recuperate and come back stronger. What if my using enviro-friendly products gives him super powers? My trash can is right next to the toilet. I am not looking to have that experience.

I grab some t.p. (okay, when I say some I mean enough to cover my entire hand practically up to my elbow three inches thick) and sllllloooooowwwwly approach my nemesis. He moved! Aggghhhh! He's now skedaddling along the baseboard toward MY SIDE OF THE BATTLEFIELD. He's not supposed to be making direct advances! He's supposed to cower in fear! I grab my automatic weapon and take aim, this time on STREAM. No more gentle spray for him. This is WAR! PEW, PEW, PEW, PEW (this is my laser sound)! He's trying to scale the wall. Up is his only option. Option no more, I say! KaPOW! I will say, at this point I have realized that while being a great nature-friendly cleaner, my choice of weapon is not so great as a ... weapon. It really DOESN'T harm nature.

This is it. He HAS to be finished. I go in for the grab. This is the riskiest move of all. What if he uses all of those legs like a springboard and just when I go to end this battle he JUMPS UP ONTO MY HAND?! From there, it's just a quick scurry up my arm, ONTO MY FACE, so we can go eye to eye(s). Ewww!

I go in for the grab and he MOVES. OMG. "I can do this. I can do this. I WILL NOT wake up Marv or Scootie to handle this. I CAN DO THIS!" ROOOAAARRR! I AM WOMAN. OMG, he just moved again. I whack the t.p. down onto him and hear a crunch. That's got to be good, right? Well, for me anyway. I'm sure Spidey McCreeperman wasn't feeling it so much. He's still moving. What is this?! Did I get the only spider on the planet that will not die? WHACK! CRUNCH! Still moving. This is ridiculous. Now, I'm mad. I've now spent about 10 minutes trying to deal with this ... thing. WHACK! CRUNCH! HA! I tamp my heebee jeebees down and grab him and scoot over to the toilet and send him swirling. Humans - 1, Wolf Spider - 0.

Now I just have to try to forget all the stories about things coming up peoples water pipes and biting them on the booty. Happy Friday!